Marriage is a 3-ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring and Suffering.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels.
Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time!

Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole

The definition of a perfect Wife? - one who helps the husband with the dishes...

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words
...Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)

Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
"No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying for it..."

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married - now he is going through Hell!!

I've got a good friend who married a Doctor.
One day he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making".
Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied...

Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.

One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -
Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward